How crying on a bathroom floor pivoted my life
Faith. A word many of us have heard since for as long as we can remember. Whether you prefer to it in a spiritual/religious sense or practical sense we all have done things that we believe in so much without seeing actual proof. In moments of faith we often hear a voice, whether it’s called God, instinct or something else. As of recent I have decided to stop ignoring the voice which for me is God and my calling. And honestly I think you should too. If you’re like me, you’ve ignored it far too many times already.
There I was sitting with my head in my hands on the bathroom floor of the Embassy Suites hotel in Atlanta. I could not stop crying. It felt like a years full of tears was competing to leave my body. I was overwhelmed with a feeling that I could not name with just one word. It was a combination of tiredness, weariness, submission, fear, hope and courage. I stood up and placed both hands on the hotel sink. I couldn’t even bear to look into the mirror. “Look at yourself, look,” I repeated many times. I was so frustrated with myself. What was I waiting for? How much more confirmation did I need? By this time the tears had stopped but I was avoiding looking myself in the eyes. I stood still, running through all the days I hoped for this opportunity, all the nights I prayed for this sign. Why was I so scared to answer the call now?
I slowly lifted my head and looked into the mirror at the big brown eyes that looked back at me, red from crying. In that moment I knew. I knew that if i did not say yes to this moment I would not be able to look at myself the same again. I heard the voice. It had my full attention and I was listening. Everything in my body and mind was saying ‘yes’ to taking the leap. I felt vulnerable but my mind had never been clearer.I felt complete submission to what I knew was my next season, what I knew was my bigger purpose drawing me from somewhere I could not explain.
What is your voice calling you to do? That thing that you probably have spoken to nobody? Look, listen to that voice. I truly believe that mediocre is not in our DNA. We are all called for a purpose greater than we can even imagine. But the question always is whether or not we will answer. Whether or not we will listen.
In order to be able to hear the voice clearly, to better understand my purpose I know that I have to be a better listener to the voice. Through more frequent prayers, readings, writing, and conversations, I am able to hone in on what my spirituality means for me. Not for my parents, my pastor or church. I understood faith in a new way in those moments on the hotel floor. A moment where my mind battled my heart, distorted my reality, matured my faith. Faith. A word I had heard for as long as I can remember. Now a word that I am learning to grow into. A word that is teaching me about myself, others and the life which I am meant to lead.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
First published on Black Girl In Om